Reflection

The last several posts have been very sloppy and not at all the way that I wanted this blog to go. I apologize but in my defense, internet is very slow, expensive and difficult to find. On top of that, I must find time out of a very busy travel schedule to write down thoughts, or in most cases, events that have occured on the trip. But now that I have a bit of time and a fast and cheap internet connection, I want to offer a bit of reflection.

Last night I couldn't sleep because of this knot in my stomache. I am not sure if it was because of homesickness, or missing Sheila, but my mind was racing at a rigorous speed, too fast to let me fall asleep. From the start, I wanted this trip to change me, to ignite some sort of motivation or call to action that would give me the drive to acheive something great. Both in screenwriting and more importantly, to somehow improve the lives of the people of Africa.

Going through 7 countries in 7 weeks is not the most efficient way to learn about the challenges and histories of these countries. Nonetheless, I feel that I have gained a lot. Most of my thoughts have been very discouraging. In the last 7 weeks we have run into countless people that have explained to us the hardships of their daily lives. Mind you that many of these people are very happy, very grateful and I don't want to make it seem like I pity them in any way. But there are so many stories of injustices and hardships, racism and poverty, disease and sickness.

The light that I hoped would be ignited in me, has thus far, just been a knot in my stomache. The problems are so big, they go back hundreds of years, and there is so much ambiguity surrounding what can and should be done. Spurring these mixed feeling and adding to the confusion is the biography on Che that I have been reading on this trip. Che was so motivated to begin revolution in the 3rd world countries. He sacrificed his life for the people of the Congo but ultimately was useless to them. In a way, I wish that I had this conviction, as Che did, to fight for something that I believed in. But I do not.

Last night a 31 year old man named Josefat escorted us from the bus dropoff to our hostel. For no reason at all he walked about 1 k out of his way to make sure that we were safe. He explained that life in Tanzania is very difficult. When asked if life is good he says "50-50." His tone tells you that he is being generous in that estimation. He has no job. His wife and kid have left him because he cannot support them. It reminds me of Donovan, the Tanzanian that we met in South Africa who left his home "in search of a better life," clinging to a porous suit jacket and a small bag.

With everything that I have I wanted to be able to offer Josefat some sort of advice. I wanted to give him something that would help him in some small way. I wish that I had some sort of answer about how he could take control of his life. But I have nothing to offer. No insight. No advice. Most of the walk home is done in silence. It is a very uncomfortable feeling. Josefat has an education, speaks english, but there are so few jobs and such a poor economy.

In between the great adventures, laughs, beers, pictures, and good times, there is this constant nagging feeling, this knot in my stomache that has not yet manifested itself yet as a real motivation or conviction. NGO's in Africa are often corrupt or strongly go against my values and beliefs, and in the end, usually don't do anything positive. Education programms teach a very "western" curriculum, missionaries spread the gospel, choking the people of their own heritage, and money pumped in only builds a dependancy on foreign aid.

An English man explains to me how the NGO he works for built an internet cafe to help "introduce" the Tanzanian people to the web but the price is so high that only the white NGO workers are able to use it. Thousands of dollars went into buying computers and building this cafe and it is used by foreigners only.

The best that I can say for myself is that this trip has made me grow up a lot. I have become very motivated to educate myself, to prepare myself for the situations that I will come across in the future. I feel very unprepared for this trip. I want to be able to offer Josefat some small token of advice. One thing that I have found to be true is that culture plays such a huge role in the way a society views the world. Out here, religion and witchcraft help shape some rather strange views on how the world works, a history of corruption and poverty have demolished the people's hope for any sort of progress. People live day to day because it is all that they know.

Example: Another NGO worker tells me the story of how the NGO gave a group of rural Tanzanians some seeds for planting hoping to help start them on a course of profitable farming but instead the Tanzanians just ate the seeds.

In America, consumerism drives the people. One of the best things about being out here, thousands of kilometers from the US is that I can clear my head of all of the distractions. The idiot box, the advertisments, the pop culture, the traffic, all of those things, those cultural demons that distort your mindframe and distract you from self reflextion. I have gained the focus to improve myself and the motivation to at least prepare myself for the future. So that when this knot in my stomache grows, I will be able to act. Not with the sloppyness of these well wishers and corrupt NGO's that offer good intentions at best, but with a real, useful, meaningful effort.